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THE  THOMPSON   STREET  LECTURES. 


LECTURES 


BEFORE 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB, 


NEW  YORK: 

J.  PARKER  WHITE, 
1897. 


Copyright,  1889, 

BY 
WHITE  AND  ALLEN. 


PS 


THE  THOMPSON   STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


NO.   I. 


THE    REV.  MR.  THANKFUL  SMITH  DELIVERS  A  LECTURE  ON  "THE  BANKER. 


|HE  first  lecture  of  the  scientific  series  an 
nounced  to  be  given  this  winter  under  the 
auspices  of  the  Thompson  Street  Poker  Club, 
was  delivered  at  the  club's  rooms  last  Sat 
urday  evening  by  the  chairman,  Rev.  Mr. 
Thankful  Smith,  who  announced  as  his  sub 
ject  "  De  Bankah." 

There  were  present  Messrs.  Cyanide 
Whiffles,  Gus  Johnson,  and  Tooter  Williams, 
Professor  Brick,  and  Elder  Jubilee  Ander 
son  ;  and  besides  these  regular  members,  five 

highly  esteemed  citizens  of  Hoboken,  whom  Mr.  Williams,  at  the 
low  rate  of  fifty  cents  apiece,  had  consented  to  steer  against  the 
lecture  and  the  subsequent  game. 

The  minutes  of  the  last  meeting  were   read    by  the   secretary 
and  approved. 

The    resolution   introduced  by  Professor  Brick,  that  members 
who  may  hereafter  offer  to  blow  in  opulent  relatives  at  the  regular 


919267 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


game  shall  deposit  twenty-five  dollars  with  the  treasurer,  to 
partially  cover  losses,  and  partially  as  a  guarantee  of  good  faith, 
was  carried  after  strong  opposition  by  Mr.  Tooter  Williams,  who 
voted  in  the  negative. 

The  resolution  introduced  by  Mr.  Williams,  to  the  effect  that 
the  dealer  should  save  the  valuable  time  now^  lost  in  cutting  the 
cards,  by  cutting  the  pack  himself,  was  lost  ;  Mr.  Williams  alone 
voting  in  the  affirmative. 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Thankful  Smith  then  resigned  the  chair  to  Elder 
Jubilee  Anderson  and  spoke  as  follows  : 


DE    BANKAH. 


"  Gen'l'men  membahs  'n'  guesses  ob  de  Thomps'n  Street  Pokah 
Club  :  Endurin'  a  speeunce  of  mo'n  thutty  yars'  razzle  wif  de  noble 
game,  playin'  'em  high  'n'  skinnin'  'em  close,  penny  anta  'n'  quartah 
limmick,  er  go  as  yo'  dern  please  'n'  sock  her  for  all  she's  wuff — 
endurin'  dis  long  speeunce,  hit  am  been  my  sufferin'  pnv'lidge  ter 
be  mos'ly  bankah,  'n'  dey  hain't  no  coon  what  kin  say  he  didn't  git 
squar'  cash  for  de  beans  er  de  chips  jess  aftah  de  lass  roun'  ob 
jackers." 

"Dasso,"  asseverated  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  with  fervor, 
forgetting  that  he  was  acting  chairman.  He  then  remembered, 
and  with  a  rap  of  the  gavel  called  himself  to  order. 

"  De  man  wot  banks  on  Wall  Street,"  continued  the  reverend 
gentleman,  "hez  got  a  soff  layout,  bud  de  man  wot  banks  in 
Thomps'n  Street  hez  gotter  keep  hiz  eye  skint.  De  bankah  in 
pokah  hain't  got  no  perkintage — de  perkintage  am  all  agin'  him." 

"How  yd  Jigger  dat  f  "  inquired  Mr.  Tooter  Williams,  with  some 
asperity — how  yo'  figger  dat — dat's  what  I  wanter  know  ?  " 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


"How  I  figger  dat,  Tooter?"  said  the  reverend  gentleman, 
sweetly.  "  Tree  yars  ago  dar  wuz  a  game  yar  'n'  I  was  bankin'. 
De  janiter  hed  garnisheed  de  chips.  Yo'  went  out  'n'  buyed  beans 
— doan'  yo  membah  dat  ?  " 

"No  zah,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Williams, with  warmth;  "  doan'  mem 
bah  no  sitch  thing." 

"  Yo'  buyed  de  beans, 
Tooter,  'n'  I  counted  out 
tree  hunded  'n'  thutty-fo' 
'n'  sold  em,  'n'  yo'  bought 
two  dollahs  wuff,  fohty 
beans,  'n'  played  fo'  hours, 
'n'  lost  all  de  time,  'n'  den 
cashed  in  six  dollahs  wuff 
'n'  jumped  de  game,  'n' 
clen  in  de  wind-up  aftah 
de  lass  jacker  I  hed  mo'n 
eight  hunded  beans  howl- 
in'  fer  cash,  'n'  aftah  all 
my  big  streak  o'  luck  I 
fotched  up  twonny  -  two 
dollahs  in  de  hole." 

"  'N'  what  yo'  call 
dat?"  inquired  Mr.  Wil 
liams,  in  a  voice  inclining  to  war. 

"  Dat,  Toot,"  replied  the  lecturer,  calmly,  "  dat  am  de  perkin- 
tage  agin  de  bankah  what  makes  hisse'f  'sponsible  agin  de  man 
wot's  got  a  numbrellah  case  full  ob  beans  a  dribblin'  from 
he  sleeve.  I'se  got  a  fam'ly,  'n'  I  kaint  feed  'em  on  beans  wot 


8  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

cost  twonny-two  dollahs    de    haff  pint.       Does    yo'    see    de    pint, 
Toot  ? " 

Mr.  Williams  sniffed  contemptuously,  but  did  not  vouchsafe  a 
reply. 

"  Some  bankahs  gin  out  fresh  chips  fer  de  chips  wot  draps  on 
de  flo',"  continued  the  lecturer.  "  Dat's  perlite,  but  hit  doan'  pay. 
Cy  Whiffles  drapped  fo'  blues  'n'  two  yallers  one  night,  'n'  I  guv 
him  fo'  blues  'n'  two  yallers  ter  save  him  de  trouble  er  browsin' 
down  to  pick  'em  up,  'n'  dat  perliteness  coss  me  jess  s'teen  dollahs." 

"  Didn' — didn'  yo  find  dem  chips  on  de  kyarpit  aftah  de  game  ?" 
queried  Mr.  Whiffles,  who  was  blushing  at  the  personal  turn  the 
lecture  had  taken. 

"  Nary  a  blue  'n'  nary  a  yaller,  Cy,"  said  the  lecturer,  sadly  but 
firmly.  "  Bud  I  foun'  s'teen  dollah's  wuff  er  speeunce.  Yo'  drapped 
nine  blues  'n'  six  yallers  at  de  next  game,  didn'  yo'  ? " 

"  Yezzah,"  faltered  Mr.  Whiffles. 

"  'N'  yo'  didn'  git  no  fresh  ones  from  de  bank  ? " 

"  Nozah." 

The  reverend  gentleman  here  slowly  closed  one  eye,  and 
regarded  Mr.  Whiffles'  blushes  for  several  moments,  and  then 
resumed  : 

"  Wen  I'm  bankah,  I  hain't  no  Jay  Gool,  nor  I  hain't  no  Vander- 
bilk,  nor  I  hain't  no  Kemmikle  Bank,  'n'  wen  a  player  says,  'Gimmy 
nudder  stake,'  er  '  pass  ovah  ten  mo'  blues,'  er  '  pud  me  down  fer 
twonny  mor','  er  '  I'll  owe  yer  fohty  fer  two  minutes,'  I  jest  gaze 
him  squar'  in  de  eye,  'n'  my  deefness  troubles  me  powerful.  I  kin 
be  de  deefess  man  dis  side  er  Kallymezoo  wen  any  man  wants  ter 
borry.  De  Wall  Street  bankah  makes  he  money  lendin',  but  de 
same  rule's  got  lame  tryin'  de  dodge  in  Thomps'n  street  pokah." 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


11  Am  de  bankah  'sponsible  fer  all  de  chips  ?  "  queried  Mr.  Gus 
Johnson,  who  was  not  animated  by  any  particular  desire  for 
information  on  this  point,  but  wished  to  show  that  he  took  an 
interest  in  the  lecture. 

"  De  bankah  am,"  retorted  the  Reverend  Mr.  Smith. 

"  An'  who  am  'sponsible  fer  de  bankah  ? "  interrupted  Mr. 
Tooter  Williams,  who  then  laughed  immoderately  at  his  own  joke. 

The  lecturer  fixed  a  cold  and  fishy  eye  upon  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Dat's  de  darkess  mistry  in  nater,  Toot,"  said  he,  impressively  ; 
"  'n'  de  lass  time  yo'  banked,  five  coons  went  inter  mo'nin',  'n' 
dey've  been  in  mo'nin'  ever  sence,  tryin'  ter  find  out  who  was 
'sponsible  for  yo'  bankin'." 

"  Dat's  a  lie  !"  shouted  Mr.  Williams,  aggressively. 

"  Wen  a  man  banks,"  continued  the  reverend  gentleman,  "  'n' 
de  players  blow  in  good  chicken-feed  agin  chips,  'n'  den  de  bankah 
starts  in  'n'  whoops  her  up,  'n'  hists  de  limmick,  'n'  straggles  'n' 
plays  kilters,  'n'  fires  in  all  de  chips  'n'  all  de  money  in  jackers,  'n' 
den  says,  '  Jess  leave  me  out  one  hand  w'ile  I  goes  down  fer 
sassengers  fer  de  gang,'  'n'  den  fergits  ter  come  back,  'n'  is  next 
heerd  from  sashayin'  aroun'  in  Newark  er  Weehawken — dat 
bankah's  got  ter  be  chained  up  befo'  I  parse  aroun'  de  aces  wif  him 
agin." 

Mr.  Williams  subsided. 

"  De  bess  bankah  am  de  bank.  Git  a  cigyah  box,  chuck  in  de 
wads,  kyount  out  de  chips,  'n'  keep  de  box  up  on  de  top  shelf, 
where  no  nigger  wif  a  long  reach  kin  fool  wif  it.  Let  de  bankah 
buy  his  chips,  'n'  no  borryin'.  Splits  only  kyount  half  in  de  cash  up." 

"  Splits  ?  "  queried  Professor  Brick. 

"  Yezzah,  splits.     One  night  Gus  Johnsing  dar  hed  a  razzer  'n' 


10 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


a  ball  er  bluin',  'n'  we  was  playin'  wif  papah  chips,  'n'  he  split  'em 
'n'  blued  de  raw  side,  'n'  he'd  er  cashed  in  mo'n  fohty  dollahs  ef  I 
hadn'  drapped.  Dat  so,  Johnsing  ? " 

"  Yezzah,"  said  Mr.  Johnson,  gloomily. 
"  I  drapped,  didn'  I  ?  " 
"  Yezzah." 

"  Let  de   bank  keep  hisself,"  said  the  reverend  gentleman  in 

conclusion.  "  See  dat  yo' 
money  is  in,  'n'  yo'  nay- 
bers'  money  —  specially 
yo'  naybers'.  Let  no  man 
cash  in  twell  de  wind- 
up." 

"  Why's  dat  ?"  inquired 
Mr.  Williams,  rising. 

"  Didn'    yo'    cash    i  11 
thutty-fo'     dollahs     dat 
night    wen    yo'    said    yo' 
doctah  said  yo'  had  small 
pox    'n'    kuddent   stay  up 
later'n  i  o'clock  ?  " 
"  Yezzah,"  said  Mr.  Williams.    "  'N'  I  was  troubled  in  m'  stum- 
mick." 

"  Yo'd  been   mo'  troubled  in  yo'  stummick   ef  I   kud   ha'  seen 
yu'    later.      Twonny-eight    dollahs  ob  dem  chips  corne   from   de 
pondbroakah's  aroun'  de  cornder." 
Mr.  Williams  sat  down. 

"  I'se  been  thutty-fo'  yars  bankin,"  said  the  Reverend  Mr.  Smith, 
"  'n'  I'se  jess  got  my  eye  teeth  cut  so's   I   know  bettah.     I'se    quit 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES.  I  I 

bankin'.  I'se  smoked  in  a  powder  house  'n'  I'se  druv  a  dynamike 
kyart  wif  skittish  mules  in  Pennsylvany,  but  bankin'  at  pokah  is 
triflin'  wif  Providince.  De  next  lesson'l  be  on  '  De  Bline,  Straggle, 
'n'  Limmick',  by  Perfesser  Brick,  'n'  suckahs  from  Hoboken'll  be 
admitted  free  on  payment  of  half  a  dollah." 
The  club  then  went  into  executive  session. 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


PROF.  BRICK  DISSERTATES  ON  "  DE  BLINE,   STRAGGLE,   *N*  LIMMICK.' 


second  lecture  of  the  scientific  series  was 
delivered  last  Saturday  evening  by  Professor 
Brick  at  the  rooms  of  the  Thompson  Street 
Poker  Club,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Thankful  Smith  in 
the  chair.  Present  were  Mr.  Tooter  Williams, 
Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  Mr.  Cyanide  Whiffles, 
and  Mr.  Gus  Johnson.  Seven  gentlemen  from 
Weehawken  were  admitted  by  courtesy,  upon 
payment  of  fifty  cents  each.  The  club  was 
called  to  order  at  8:15  p.  m. 

The  reading  of  the  minutes  of  the  last 
meeting  was  dispensed  with  upon  motion  of 
Mr.  Whiffles,  as  the  secretary  had  forgotten  to 
take  any  notes. 

The  report  of  the  House  Committee,  to  the 
effect  that  the  Janitor  had  declined  to  fill  the 
lamps  until   the  last    kerosene   bill  had  been 
paid,  was  read  and  approved. 
The  name    of  Judge  Montgomery  Zerubabel  Wax,  of    Jersey 
City,    proposed    for    membership    by    Mr.    Tooter    Williams,   was 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


referred  back  by  the  Governing  Committee,  with  a  request  that 
the  following  points  be  considered  :  first,  that  the  nomination  had 
not  been  seconded,  as  required  by  Paragraph  V.,  Article  21, 
Section  XVI.,  of  the  Constitution  ;  and  second,  that  the  Committee 
had  ascertained  that  Judge  Wax  was  not  a  judge  of  anything 
but  Jersey  whisky,  and  had 
had  but  little  recent  oppor 
tunity  to  judge  that,  as  he 
had  just  been  released  from 
a  two  years'  engagement  at 
Sing  Sing,  whither  he  had 
been  sent  for  borrowing  a 
stove  said  to  have  been  the 
property  of  an  entire  stran 
ger.  Under  these  circum 
stances  the  Governing  Com 
mittee  have  been  placed  in 
doubt. 

Mr.  Williams  rose  to  a 
question  of  privilege.  He 
moved  that  his  friend  be 
unanimously  elected  by  a 
suspension  of  the  rules.  As 
to  that  stove  incident,  he 

was  certain  that  either  a  habeas  corpus  or  an  alibi  could  be 
proven.  The  motion  was  lost,  Mr.  Williams  alone  voting  in  the 
affirmative.  He  then  begged  to  be  allowed  to  withdraw  the 
judge's  name,  and  by  unanimous  consent  the  application  was 
granted. 


14  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

Professor  Brick  then  advanced  to  the  rostrum,  and  announcing 
his  subject,  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  De  study  ob  de  Bline  am  psychylogumcholly  nex'  ter  de 
study  ob  de  Straggle,  'n'  bofe  am  proximus  ter  de  study  ob  de 
Limmick. 

"  De  Bline  am  chips  called  de  Ante,  'n'  am  shoved  up  befo'  de 
kyards  an  parsed  round,  'n'  befo'  de  bline  man  sees  he's  got  tree 
jacks,  fo'  fo's,  er  a  bobtail.  Some  mokes  kinder  fergit  ter  put  up 
de  bline  till  aftah  dey  has  a  squint  at  de  skin,  'n'  den  ef  dey  has 
trees  dey  shoves  up  haf  de  limmick,  'n'  on  two  par  shoves  up 
quartah  de  limmick,  'n'  on  one  par  a  fo'th  de  limmick,  'n'  on  a  nace 
high  don't  shove  up  no  bline  ceptin'  dey  kin  borry  chips  handy.  I 
don't  name  no  names,  but  I  see  Gus  Johnsing  squirmin'  oneasy 
in  he  cha'r." 

All  eyes  were  turned  upon  Mr.  Johnson,  who  colored  violently, 
but  pretended  to  be  absorbed  in  reflection. 

"  Some  niggahs  b'leeve  in  whoopin'  up  de  bline  continuous,  'n' 
rises  hit,  bad  luck  er  good  luck,"  continued  the  professor. 

"Now  whad's  de  good  in  dat  ?  Sposen  de  reg'lar  bline  am  a 
quartah,  'n'  yo'  hasn't  hed  nuffin'  'ceptin'  bobtails  'n'  kilters  fer  two 
hours.  Will  a  dollah  bline  work  a  mirrykle  'n'  brung  yo'  fo'  naces  ? 
Am  a  two  dollah  bline  gwine  ter  coax  t'ree  jacks  'n'  a  par  outen  de 
pack?" 

"  Dat's  what  I  b'leeve,"  interrupted  Mr.  Tooter  Williams;  "  fo'ce 
de  luck,  'n'  fo'ce  her  hard." 

"  Fo'ce  nuffin ! "  retorted  the  lecturer,  with  some  warmth. 
"  Yo'  fo'ced  de  luck  at  de  las' meetin',  yo'  did— yas  yo' did  !— 'n' 
yo'  went  bline  a  dollah,  'n'  straggled  two  dollahs,  'n'  ef  I  hedn't  got 
yo'  overcoat  outen  soak  'n'  loan  yo'  t'ree  dollahs,  yo'd  have  et  yo' 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES,  15 

Crissmuss  tukky  in  de  po'  house.  Doan'  talk  ter  me  about 
fo'cin ! " 

Mr.  Williams  muttered  something  relevant  to  seeing  the  lecturer 
outside,  and  then  folded  his  arms  defiantly  and  glowered  upon  him. 

"  De  bes'  way,"  continued  the  professor,  calmly,  "am  ter  make 
de  bline  humble  'n'  keep  her  down-sperrited." 

"  'N'  'den  sposen  yo'  gits  in  a  pat  strake,"  suggested  Mr. 
Whiffles. 

"  Rise  her,"  said  the  professor.  "  Aftah  de  suckahs  hez  come 
in  on  de  meek  and  lowly  bline,  give  her  a  jintle  histe,  boost  her 
up,  kinder  stimmylate  her  wif  a  dollah.  Den  de  niggah  wif  a 
kipple  o'  squeens,  he  comb  'em  over  'n'  sorts  'em  out  'n'  says  kinder 
soffly  ter  hisse'f,  '  Well,  I'se  stuck  fer  a  quartah,  'n'  I  mout  ketch 
another  squeen,  'n'  I  kain't  drap  now,  befo'  de  draw,'  'n'  he  comes 
in  fer  a  dollah.  Den  de  coon  wif  de  bobtail  flisk,  he  sends  a 
dollah  ter  help  de  quartah  he  s  blew  in,  'n'  de  moke  wif  two  par 
he  goes  a  dollah,  'n'  dar  yo'  is. 

"  'N'  sposen,"  inquired  Mr.  Whiffles,  "  sposen  de  flisk  'n'  de  two 
par  fill  ? " 

"  W'y  den,"  asseverated  the  professor,  "de  moke  wif  de  flisk'll 
bet  de  limmick,  er  play  coony  'n'  bet  a  chip,  'n'  de  full  niggah'll  draw 
he  breff  hard  'n'  rise  a  dollah,  'n'  yo'll  know  de  red  flag's  out,  'n'  git 
onto  de  side  track." 

"  Jesso  !  "  murmured  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  who  had  recently 
been  there. 

"  Keep  de  bline  down  ter  po'  house  figgers,  'n'  den  all  de  fools 
kin  cum  in,  'n'  ef  yo'  doan'  find  nuffin'  in  yo'  own  han',  wizzle  yo' 
pet  hymn  'n'  dror  fo'  kyards  'n'  hit  hain't  cos'  much,  but  ef  yo' 
find  t'ree  kinks  er  a  flisk,  yo'  kin  rise  her  de  limmick." 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


"  How  much  did  yo'  win  at  pokah  las'  yeah?"  sarcastically 
inquired  Mr.  Williams,  rising. 

"  Not  kyountin'  free  hund'ed  'n'  s'teen  dollahs  wuff  er  yo'  papah, 
wot  I  tuk  at  pah,"  rejoined  the  professor,  "I'se  'bout  thutty-six 
dollahs  out.  Wen  yo'  gits  crazy  'n'  fergits  yo'se'f  'n'  pays  up,  I'll 
be  mo'n  two  hund'ed  in.  I'll  jes'  call  it  thutty-six  out,  Tooter." 

Mr.  Williams  sat  down. 

"  De  straggle  am  on'y  good  w'en  yo'  wanter  crowd  de  mo'ners 
'n'  hog  de  aige.  Doan'  straggle  'ceptin'  yo'  am  de  pet  chile  o' 
calamity  'n'  feels  yo'  power  a  comin'.  De  straggle  doan'  give  no 
aige  aftah  de  dror.  W'en  yo'  makes  up  yo'  mine  ter  straggle, 
make  up  yo'  mine  ter  histe  her  de  limmick  aftah  de  dror,  take  two 
kyards,  lock  fierce  'n'  bet  de  limmick.  I  never  straggle  'ceptin'  I'se 
fairly  bilious  wif  luck,  'n'  de  mo'ners  am  skittish.  De  man  wot 
straggles  w'en  he  luck  am  weak  'n  the  back  is  a  man  wot'll  be 
fust  ter  borry  chips  'n'  las'  ter  pay  'em.  Doan'  straggle,  niggahs." 

At  this  juncture  the  lecturer  paused,  waved  his  hand  to  the 
audience  as  a  signal  that  they  might  converse  for  a  few  moments, 
and  discuss  the  weighty  matters  he  had  laid  before  them,  and  pro 
ceeded  to  refresh  himself  with  a  glass  of  milk  which  he  had  pre 
viously  placed  upon  the  rostrum,  and  with  a  triangle  of  pie  which 
he  extracted  from  his  coat-tail  pocket.  Then  he  continued  as 
follows  : 

"  De  mattah  ob  de  limmick  am  mo'  seeryus.  De  limmick  shud 
be  ten  times  de  ante  at  de  leastes',  'n'  bettah  twonny  times  de  ante. 
Quartan  ante  'n'  half  dollah  limmick  am  good  chucky-lucky,  but 
po'  pokah.  Ten  cent  ante  'n'  two  dollah  limmick  '11  give  a  niggah 
all  de  chance  ter  lose  he  wants.  Ten  cent  ante  'n'  five  dollah  lim- 
mick's  de  game  I  hopes  ter  play  aftah  Gabril  toots  he  ho'n,  'n'  we'll 


i8 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


x- 


all  be  Vanderbilks.  Wen  de  limmick  'n'  de  ante  am  fixed,  doan' 
let  no  niggah  rise  her.  Wen  some  mokes  git  free  dollahs  ter  de 
bad,  dey  wants  ter  rise  de  limmick,  'n'  den  hard  feelin's  'n'  bad 
papah  begin  ter  git  in  cirkylashin.  Dat's  all  I'se  got  ter  say." 

"  Befo'  dis  lectur  clos 
es,"  observed  Mr.  Will 
iams,  rising  with  hauteur 
and  holding  his  left  hand 
in  such  a  manner  that  his 
amethyst  ring  showed  to 
best  advantage,  "  I  wanter 
know  did  de  perfesser 
mean  ter  spress  any 
doubts  ob  my  honah  in 
de  remarks  'bout  de  triflin' 
bits  o'  paper  I  hez  out. 
Dat's  \vhad  I  wanter 
know." 

"  I  didn'  say  nuffin' 
'bout  yo'  honah,  Toot," 
explained  the  professor, 
sweetly.  "  I  said  dat  I  had 
t'ree  hund'ed  'n'  s'teen 
dollahs  wuff  er  yo'  I  O  U's,  'n'  I'se  held  'em  fer  fo'teen  monts, 
'n'  yo'  seem  willin'  I  shud  hole  'em  fer  fo'teen  mo'.  Ef  yo'  honah's 
sensitive,  Toot,  I'll  sell  de  hull  lot  ter  yo'  fer  t'ree  dollahs." 

"  I — I  gess — ef  yo'  means  ter  doubt  my  honah — "  began  Mr. 
Williams  hotly. 

"  Am  dat  t'ree  dollah  offer  a  go  ? "  queried  the  professor. 


THE  THOMPSON  S TREE  7'  LECTURES. 


"  I  doan  'low  no  coon  ter  doubt  my  honah,"  said  Mr.  Williams, 
glaring  upon  the  assemblage. 

"  I'll  sell  'em  fer  two  dollahs,"  said  the  professor. 

"  De  honah  ob  a  gen'leman — " 

"  Gimme  a  dollah,  'n'  de  hull  batch  am  yo'n,"said  the  professor. 

"  I'll  fight  ter  de  las'  gasp  fer  my  honah,"  said  Mr.  Williams. 

"Raff  a  dollah,"  said  the  professor,  holding  up  the  notes  in 
question. 

"  Ef — ef  yo'  didn'  mean  nuffin'  agin  my  honah,"  said  Mr. 
Williams,  "  yo'  pollygy  am  'cepted." 

Here  the  gavel  fell ;  the  chairman  announced  that  the  next 
lecture  would  be  by  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  on  "  Mirrikles  in  de 
Dror,"  and  the  club  adjourned  to  put  the  professor's  theory  into 
practice. 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


NO.    III. 
ELDER  JUBILEE  ANDERSON    LECTURES    ON    "  DE  M1RRYKLES    OB  DE  DROR.' 


HE  third  lecture  of  the  scientific  series 
at  the  Thompson  Street  Poker  Club 
was  delivered  by  Elder  Jubilee  An 
derson  last  Saturday  evening.  There 
were  present  Professor  Brick,  Messrs. 
Tooter  Williams,  Gus  Johnson,  and 
Cyanide  Whiffles,  and  the  Rev.  Mr. 
Thankful  Smith,  who  occupied  the 
chair.  There  were  also  present  four 
invited  guests,  who  had  paid  fifty 
cents  apiece,  and  became  thereby  eligi 
ble  to  receive  the  club's  hospitality. 
The  minutes  of  the  last  meeting  we're  read  and  approved.  Mr. 
Tooter  Williams,  of  Special  Committee,  reported  that  in  accord 
ance  with  instructions  he  had  consulted  a  legal  adviser,  who 
informed  him  that  by  only  one  process  of  la\v  could  the  club 
recover  its  chips  from  the  janitor,  who  held  them  in  garnishee  for 
nine  dollars'  rent. 

Professor  Brick  rose  to  a  question  of  privilege  : 
"  Ken  de  hon'ble  gen'leman  tole  de  club  what  prossis  ob   law 
dat  am  ?" 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


21 


"Pay  de  bill." 


"  Cer'nly,"  replied  Mr.  Williams,  affably. 

Prof.  Brick  sat  down. 

Mr.  Cyanide  Whiffles   arose  with  some  excitement. 
Williams  any    objections 
to    naming    the    eminent 
legal    adviser    whom    he 
had  consulted  ? 

Mr.  Williams,  proudly, 
had  none.  He  had  not 
gone  to  cheap  and  worth 
less  sources  of  informa 
tion.  He  had  consulted 
no  less  an  authority  upon 
jurisprudence  than  the 
gentleman  who  regulates 
the  domestic  economy  of 
Mr.  Delancey  Nicoll's 
house.  Was  Mr.  Whiffles 
satisfied  ? 

Mr.  Whiffles  was. 

Mr.    Gus    Johnson 
moved  that  the  club  al 
low   the  chips  to  remain 
in  garnishee    until    the  nine 
was  unanimously  carried. 

There    being    no    further 
Jubilee  Anderson  advanced 
lows  : 


Had  Mr. 


dollars    was   paid,  and   the   motion 

business    before   the    Club,    Elder 
to   the   rostrum   and   spoke   as    fol- 


22  THE    THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  DE    MIRRYKLES    OB    DE    DROR. 

"  When  de  profit  Mosis  he  done  grew  weary  chasin'  de  pillows 
ob  smoke  in  de  desert  ob  Sary  Hary,  'n'  he  'n'  King  Faro — " 

Mr.  Willams  rose  to  a  question  of  privilege.  Was  this  a  poker 
lecture  or  a  Salvation  Army  address  ?  He  did  not  think  the 
invited  guests  had  paid  their  half-dollars  to  get  their  salvations 
repaired,  but  rather  to — 

"  Ordah  !"  The  gavel  fell,  and  Mr.  Williams  sat  down.  "  De 
honnerble  gen'leman'll  kernfine  hese'f  ter  pokah  'n'  not  blow  in 
gospil."  Thus  the  chair. 

The  Elder,  thus  admonished,  folded  the  first  nine  pages  of  his 
address,  inserted  them  in  his  left  coat-tail  pocket,  and  somewhat 
nervously  resumed. 

"  Dey  is  no  mo'  mirrykles  in  dese  yar  sinful  days,  'ceptin'  de 
mirrykles  in  pokah." 

"  Jesso,"  echoed  Professor  Brick. 

"  I  was  playin'  ten  dollah  froze-out  wif  Mistah  Willyums  las' 
Choosday,"  continued  the  lecturer,  "  'n'  I  had  fo'  eight  speckers  in 
de  deal,  'n'  Toot  he  didn'  have  nuffin',  'n'  I  drored  one  kyard,  'n' 
Tooter  he  drored  fo'  kyards,  'n'  he  lay  down  a  juce  on  de  table, 
jes'  so,  'n'  he  says,  says  he,  '  I  kin  jess  dror  like  a  chimly  wif  juces/ 
'n'  I  cotch  a  juce  in  de  dror,  'n'  Toot,  he  comb  over  he  fo'  kyards  'n' 
bet  a  quartah,  'n'  I  rise  him  a  dollah,  'n'  he  rised  me  backaquartah, 
'n'  I  rise  him  five  dollahs,  'n'  he  skin  he  han'  agin  'n'  rise  a  quartah 
mo,'  'n'  I  shoves  up  my  las'  chip,  'n'  he  calls,  'n'  den  I  shows  up  de 
fo'  eight  speckers  'n'  de  juce,  'n'  Toot  he  skun  out  fo'  squeens." 

A  murmur  of  wonder  ran  through  the  room.  Then  the  Rev. 
Mr.  Thankful  Smith  reflectively  inquired  : 


24  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"Who  doled  dehan'?" 

"  I  'bjeck  !"  excitedly  exclaimed  Mr.  Williams. 

"Toot,"  sweetly  remarked  the  chairman,  "  dat  info'mation  am 
nessary  ter  know  de  size  ob  de  mirrykle.  Who  doled  de  kyards  ?" 

"  Mistah  Willyums,"  said  the  lecturer. 

"No  mirrykle,"  said  the  chairman. 

"  Whuff  er  yo'  say  dat  ?"  hotly  demanded  Mr.  Williams.  "  Kint 
a  gen'leman  win  squar'  on  he  own  deal  ?" 

"  Yezzah,"  replied  the  Rev.  Thankful  Smith,  courteously.  "  A 
gen'leman  kin  win  on  he  deal,  'n'  he  kin  lose  on  he  deal,  bud  when 
de  only  mirrykles  ob  de  dror  happens  w'en  he's  fingered  de  pack,  'n' 
w'en  alLde  mirrykles  am  glued  ter  his  side  ob  de  table  fer  keeps, 
Prov'dence  am  gittin'  too  lop-sided — dat's  all." 

Mr.  Williams  breathed  heavily  for  several  minutes,  but  made  no 
reply. 

"  Mirrykles,"  continued  the  lecturer,  "  am  mo'  apt  ter  happen 
w'en  de  las'  roun'  ob  jackers  is  parsin'.  W'en  I'se  opened  a  jacker 
wif  two  par,  naces  up,  'n'  one  coon  he  draps  in  'n'  drors  fo'  kyards, 
'n'  anothah  moke  he  say  he'll  fo'ce  he  luck  'n'  dror  five  kyards,  'n'  de 
othah  mahog'ny  gen'leman  say  he  doan'  speck  nuffin'  but  jes'  fer 
fun  he'll  make  her  lively  'n'  dror  two  kyards,  'n'  de  cullerd  suckah 
nex'  ter  me  he  say  he  doan'  keer  fer  he  chips,  'n'  puts  up  'n'  wants 
t'ree  kyards — den  I  feels  dat  sorter  shiver  in  de  toes  wat  means  dat 
dar's  gwine  ter  be  fo'  er  five  mirrykles  out,  'n'  I  lies  low." 

"  K'rect  !"  remarked  Professor  Brick,  approvingly,  and  Mr.  Gus 
Johnson  applauded. 

"Whad  I  wanter  know,"  respectfully  inquired  Mr.  Cyanide 
Whiffles,  "  am  whedder  mirrykles  am  apt  ter  happen  mo'n  once  in 
a  game  ?" 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


"  Dat  am  de  onsartinest  thing  whad  kin  be  speeunced,"  replied 
the  lecturer.     "  De  mirrykle — 

"  De  mirrykle,"  interrupted  the  Chair,  acting  under  Rule  19, 
Article  XXXI.  of  the  By-laws,  "  de  mirrykle  am  de  leastes'  apt  ter 
happen  w'en  I'm  in  de  game,  'n'  got  my  boodle  in  de  pot,  'n'  de 
othah  coons  knows  how  spry  I  kin  be  in  a  mix-up  wif  a  razzer.  Bud 
ef  Bre'r  Tooter  'n'  Bre'r 
Cyanide  is  pokin'  wif  t'ree 
Weehawkin  barbahs  on 
two-dollah  limmick,  a  j'ar 
crap  ob  mirrykles  might 
be  'spected  jes'  ez  long  ez 
de  barbahs  kud  'strain 
hard  feelin's  'n'  pud  up 
de  cash." 

"  Didjer  meanter  say" 
— began  Mr.  Williams,  in 
a  voice  of  war. 

"  I  meant  ter  say, 
Toot,"  sweetly  rejoined 
the  Chairman,  "  dat  dey 
is  mo'  moanin'  in  barbah 
suckles  in  Weehawken 

since  yo'  'n'  Cy  Whiffles  got  ter  drappin'  over  Sunday  fer  a  fren'ly 
game,  dan  sence  Black  Friday  struck  dis  town,  'n'  mo'  talk  'bout 
mirrykles  dan  dey  was  befo'  de  Flood." 

"  Ef  Cy  an'  me  doan'  play  squar',  I'll — " 

"  'Strain  yose'f,  Toot,"  gently  said  the  Chairman.  "Jess  so  long 
ez  yo'  mirryles  is  wukked  in   Weehawken,  an'   ef  de   barbahs  kin 


26  THE    THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

stan' it, /kin.  Bud  w'en  mo'n  one  mirrykle  draps  inter  a  game 
whar  I'se  keepin'  my  own  feelin's  on  tap.  dar's  gwine  ter  be  a 
namberlance  call  in  five  minits.  Once  in  fo'teen  monts  a  man  kin 
dror  fo'  squeens  ter  a  juce  in  a  jacker  on  he  deal,  'n'  I  won't  say 
nuffin',  but  dat  fernomynon  hed  bettah  be  as  seldom  ez  a  six-tailed 
comick  in  de  sky.  Dat's  all.  Eldak  JuUleell  quit  dis  yar  lecter.  He 
doan'  understan'  he  subjek.  Dey  ain't  no  mirrykles  in  pokah, 
'ceptin'  w'en  a  man  doan'  keep  he  eye  skint.  Dat's  all.  At  de 
nex'  meetin',  -Brer  Johnson'll  lecter  on  Bobtail  Strakes  'n'  Flisks, 
wif  some  remarks  on  Holdin'  up  Siders." 

The  Club  then  went  into  executive  session. 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


NO.    IV. 

MR.  GUS    JOHNSON    LECTURES    ON    BOB-TAILED    STRAIGHTS,    FLUSHES,    AND 

SIDERS. 


R.  GUS  JOHNSON'S  debut  as  a  lec 
turer  drew  nine  eminent  citizens  of 
Hoboken  to  the  meeting  of  the 
Thompson  Street  Poker  Club  last 
Saturday  evening.  Seven  paid  the 
full  admission  fee,  under  the  priv 
ilege  accorded,  invited  guests  by 
Section  41,  Article  XXVI.  of  the  By- 
Laws;  one  was  admitted  on  payment 
of  twenty-seven  cents,  as  he  only- 
had  thirty  about  his  clothes,  and 
needed  three  with  which  to  get  back 
to  Hoboken ;  and  one,  who  had 
formerly  been  Mr.  Johnson's  silent 

partner  in  an   extensive  kalsomining   contract,    was   admitted  on 

that  gentleman's  note  of  hand,  payable  in  thirty  days  and  indorsed 

by  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson. 

There    were    also    present    Professor    Brick,    Messrs.    Cyanide 

Whiffles     and   Tooter   Williams     the    Elder,    and    the    Rev.    Mr. 

Thankful  Smith,  who,  as  usual,  occupied  the  chair. 


V 


2  8  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

The  reading  of  the  minutes  of  the  last  meeting  was  dispensed 
with  upon  motion  of  the  secretary,  who  had  inadvertently  left 
them  home  in  his  other  pants. 

Notice  was  given  by  Professor  Brick  that  at  the  next  meeting 
he  proposed  to  introduce  an  amendment  to  the  constitution  provid 
ing  for  the  payment  of  I  O  U's.  He  thought  that  if  the  treasurer 
assumed  charge  of  these  tokens,  and  prosecuted  their  signers  with 
due  diligence,  both  the  financial  condition  and  happiness  of  many 
members  would  be  materially  advanced. 

Mr.  Tooter  Williams  rose  to  a  question  of  privilege.  Did  the 
honorable  gentleman  intend  to  be  personal  in  this  proposition  ? 

The  Professor  denied  any  special  reference  to  any  member 
present. 

"  Den  whuff er  yo'  gaze  me  straight  in  de  yi  fer?"  belligerently 
inquired  Mr.  Williams.  "  Yas  yo'  did  !  gaze  me  straight  in  de 
yi,  yo'  did,  'n'  whuffer  yo'  do  dat  ?" 

"  Gotter  gaze  at  somebody,  hezn't  I  ? "  queried  the  professor, 
evasively. 

"  'N'  spozen  I  hez  got  papah  out  ? "  pursued  Mr.  Williams,  in 
dignantly  appealing  to  the  company  at  large.  "  Sposen  de  Kem- 
mikle  Bank  got  papah  out  ?  Did  jer  spose  me  er  Astah  er  Yan- 
derbilk  or  Jay  Gool's  gotter  kerry  wads  all  de  time,  'n' — " 

"  Ordah  !  "  ruled  the  Chair. 

"  Kint  I  spoke  for  my  credick  ! "  yelled  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Too  big  a  contrack  for  dis  evenin',  Toot,"  suavely  remarked 
the  Chairman.  "  S'mother  evenin'.  De  Chair  rules  dat  Mistah 
Willums  am  outen  ordah,  'n'  de  Perfesser'll  wifdraw  he  motion. 
D£  traaherer  says  he  aint  no  clarin'  house,  'n'  ef  he  hed  ter  live  on 
de  perkintage  on  draffs  c'lected  from  Tooter,  he'd  run  hese'f  bar'- 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


29 


foot  in  twenty-fo'  hours,  'n'  be  de  champeen  livin'  skellington  in  de 
kentry  in  lessen  fo'  weeks." 

Mr.   Williams  glowered   upon   the    Professor,  and  murmured 
something  relevant  to  seeing  him  later,  and  both  sat  down. 

Mr.  Gus  Johnson  then 
mounted  the  platform,  and 
announcing"  as  his  subject, 
"  Bobtail  Strakes,  Flisks  'n' 
Siders,"  spoke  as  follows: 

"  De  niggah  dat'll  wade 
in  agin'   one  man,  w'en  all 
he's   got's  a  strake    busted 
wide  open  in  de  miggle,  am 
a    niggah    dat's    boun    ter 
froff  at  de  mouff,  'n'  go  up 
ter  spen'  he  las'  days  at  de     Jr 
'Sylum    in    a   strake-jacket  * 
befo'  punkin  seasin." 

"  Dasso!"  murmured  El 
der  Jubilee  Anderson,  with 
fervor. 

"  De  coon  dat  a  1 1  e  r  s 
draws  ter  miggle  strakes  in 
a  jacker,"  pursued  the  lec 
turer,  "  am  got  his  troo  ticket  fer  de  po'house,  'n'  de  moke  what 
gits  glistenin'  in  de  yi  w'en  he  combs  fo'  clubs  outen  he  ban',  'n' 
pays  tree  dollahs  fer  a  chance  ter  fish  fer  de  odder  club,  wif  only 
two  playin'  agin  him,  aint  never  gwine  ter  die  from  gittin  tired 
cuttin'  coupons  w'en  he  gits  ter  be  Cy  Fiel's  age." 


MR.    GUS    JOHNSON. 


30  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  Haint  dar  no  'ceptions  ter  dat  rule  ?  "  sarcastically  inquired 
Mr.  Williams.  "  Dat's  whad  /wanter  know." 

"  De  'ception  in  yo'  case,"  rejoined  Mr.  Johnson,  with  a  dignity 
which  befitted  his  position,  "  am  w'en  yo'  am  dealin'." 

"  Whad  yo'  mean  by  dat  insulk  ? "  hotly  demanded  Mr. 
Williams. 

"  Dat's  no  insulk,"  replied  Mr.  Johnson.  "  Dat's  complimentin' 
yo'  skyence.  Las'  game  we  played,  me  'n'  Cy  Whiffles  kyounted, 
'n'  yo'  drored  ter  thutty-tree  strakes  'n'  flisks,  'n'  fulled  twenny- 
fo',  'n1  twenny-one  whad  yo'  fulled  wuz  on  yo'  own  deal." 

"  Deed,  dat's  a  fack  ! "  corroborated  Mr.  Whiffles. 

Mr.  Williams  sat  down. 

"  De  perkintage  in  bobtails  am  eleben  'n' tree-fo'ths  ter  one  agin 
fullin'  a  strake  in  de  miggle,  'n'  seben  ter  one  agin  fullin'  a  double 
ender  strake,  'n'  five  'n'  haff  ter  one  agin  fullin'  a  flisk,  'n'  in  a  tree- 
handed  game  dat's  wuss  perkintage  dan  in  chucky-lucky." 

"  Didn'  I  full  dat  strake  agin  yo',  playin'  freeze  out,  Crissmas  ?" 
inquired  Mr.  Cyanide  Whiffles,  respectfully. 

"  Yass  yo'  did,  'n'  wen  yo'  did,  didn'  I  full  dat  two  par  squeens 
up,  'n'  wipe  yo'  up  wif  de  flo  ?"  rejoined  the  lecturer. 

"  Yezzah,"  gloomily  responded  Mr.  Whiffles. 

"  Didn'  yo'  go  home  wifout  yo'  ovahcote  ? "  continued  Mr. 
Johnson. 

"  'Deed  I  did.  Got  dat  coff  yit  what  I  kotched,"  assented  Mr. 
Whiffles,  still  more  gloomily,  resuming  his  seat  with  the  air  of  a 
man  who  was  convinced  he  had  made  a  mistake. 

"  De  fac'  am  plain  ez  a  freckled  merlatter,"  continued  the  lec 
turer,  "  dat  strakes  'n'  flisks  am  mo'  onreliable  den  a  mewl  in  fly- 
time.  I  kyounted  once,  jes'  fer  fun,  'n'  I  foun'  dat  I  spent  s'teen 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


dollahs  'n'  a  half  drorin'  ter  strakes  befo'  I  done  got  holt  er  my  luck, 
'n'  wen  I  kotched  her,  'n'  bet  one  chip  ez  a  coaxer,  Toot  Willyums 
he  sez,  sezee,  '  Gus,'  sezee,  '  yo's  got  too  much  glimmer  in  yo'  yi, 
'n'  I'll  jes' — jes'  call  dat  chip/  sezee "  (Laughter,  in  which  Mr. 
Williams  heartily  joined),  "  'n'  I  on'y  winned  sixty-fo'  cents." 

"  Dasso.  Saw  dat  my- 
se'f,"  asseverated  Profes 
sor  Brick. 

"  De  morrul  is,'1  said 
the  lecturer,  "  wen  yo's 
fa'rly  wallerin'  in  luck,  'n' 
t'rees  'n'  two-par  'n'  pat- 
seys  is  a  comin'  reg'lar  'n' 
yo'  hez  a  stacker  blues 
higher'n  Trinicky  chu'ch, 
den  yo'  kin  whoop  up  de 
game  on  bobtails  'n'  mig- 
gle  strakes;  bud  when  de 
luck's  limpin'  erlong,  car- 
ryin'  one  foot  free,  'n'  yo's 
bin  sittin'  wif  de  mo'ners 
fer  fo'  hours,  dribblin' 
out  y  o '  substance,  'n' 
hain't  got  mor'n  one  blue 
'n'  t'ree  reds  'n'  nine  whites  lef,  'n'  yo'  Waterberry's  bruk,  an'  all  de 
odder  niggahs  is  jumpin'  onto  yo'  wif  bofe  feet,  wy  den  I  'vises 
yo'  ter  leave  strakes  'n'  flisks,  'n'  kinder  loaf  'n'  took  her  easy,  'n' 
milK  yo  pile  caffle,  'n'  go  slow  until  t'ree  kinks  er  a  patsey  slides  in. 
Fo'cin'  de  luck  on  strakes  'n'  flisks  am  buckin'  agin  a  buckick  shop 
• — yo'  kin  lose,  bud  yo'  kain't  win." 


DEN    WUFFER    YO*    GAZE    ME    STRAIGHT    DE    YI  ?" 


32  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  Jesso  !  Hallylujy  !  dat's  de  troof  !"  excitedly  exclaimed  the 
Elder,  who  forgot  himself  in  his  enthusiasm,  and  was  called  to 
order. 

"  De  man  whad  plays  miggle  strakes  '11  play  siders.  Sposen  a 
niggah's  got  a  pa'r  o'  juces  'n'  a  nace  befo'  de  dror.  He  sez  ter 
hese'f,  sezee,  '  I'll  jes'  hole  up  dis  yar  nace  ez  a  sider,  'n'  ef  I  kotch 
a  nace,  I'll  lam  beeswax  outen  de  odder  mokes/  sezee.  Dat's  tri- 
flin'  wid  Prov'dence." 

"  Ain't  bullicks  up  good  ?"  queried  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Not  w'en  yo's  in  de  game,  Toot,"  was  the  soft  reply.  "  Wen 
yo's  in,  fo'cin'  yo'  luck,  de  on'y  sider  I'll  hole  up  am  t'ree  bullicks 
'n  a  par.  Didn't  I  cotch  bullicks  up  in  dat  las'  jacker  de  odder 
night,  'n'  didn'  yo'  rise  me  so's  I'd  hafter  walk  home  wifout  my 
close  ef  I'd  called  yo'  ?" 

"  Yas,"  chuckled  Mr.  Williams,  "  'n'  whad  jer  'spose  I  made 
dat  bluff  on  ?" 

"  Fo'  jacks  ?"  said  Mr.  Johnson. 

"  Fo'  gran'modders !"  retorted  Mr.  Williams,  with  scorn.  "  I 
done  skun  yo'  outen  dat  pot  on  a  Nirish  full." 

"  'N'  whad's  a  Nirish  full  ?"  asked  Mr.  Johnson. 

"  T'ree  hearts  'n'  a  pair  o'  clubs,"  said  Mr.  Williams,  with  a  hoarse 
laugh. 

Mr.  Johnson  swooned. 

The  chair  then  announced  that  the  next  lecture  would  be  deliv 
ered  by  Mr.  Cyanide  Whiffles,  on  "  De  Kitty  'n'  Jackers,"  and  the 
Club  adjourned. 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


NO.    V. 


MR.    CYANIDE    WHIFFLES    LECTURES    ON    "  DE    KITTY     N     JACKERS. 


R.  CYANIDE  WHIFFLES  was  disap 
pointed  at  the  meagre  attendance  of 
invited  guests  at  the  Thompson  Street 
Poker  Club  last  Saturday  evening,  on 
the  occasion  of  his  lecture.  The  regu 
lar  members  showed  up,  however,  in 
force,  there  being  present  Messrs. 
Tooter  Williams  and  Gus  Johnson, 
Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  Prof.  Brick, 
and  the  Reverend  Mr.  Thankful 
Smith,  who,  as  usual,  occupied  the 
chair.  The  club  was  called  to  order 
at  8  o'clock  sharp. 
A  recess  of  one-half  hour  was  then  taken,  but  no  applicants  for 
admission  appeared.  Mr.  Tooter  Williams  volunteered  to  go  out 
side  as  a  committee  of  one,  to  bark,  and  try  to  induce  some  citi 
zens  with  a  thirst  for  science  to  come  and  drink  at  the  pure  rills 
within,  but  at  8:45  he  returned  without  success,  and  the  meeting 
was  re-called  to  order. 

Elder  Jubilee  Anderson  arose   to  a  question  of  privilege.     The 
absence  of  guests  might  be  looked   upon  with  indifference  by  cer- 


34 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


tain  members  whom  he  would  not  name,  but  the  absence  of  their 
half-dollars  from  the  club  treasury  would  be  missed  at  the  end  of 
the  evening  if  the  janitor  should  drop  in  with  that  long-suffering 
kerosene  bill.  He  did  not  wish  to  make  any  unpleasant  remarks, 
,  but  the  five  guests  who  remained  to  play  after  the  last  meeting 
had  gone  home  without  either  ulsters  or  money,  and  probably  had 
either  to  swim  to  Hoboken  or  work  their  passage,  and  he  feared 
this  fact  had  somewhat  dampened  the  enthusiasm  on  the  other  side 
of  the  North  River.  He  therefore  desired  to  know  what  the  club 
was  going  to  do  with  guests  at  the  next  meeting  ? 

"  Skun  'em  !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Ordah  !"  commanded  the  chair. 

"  Show  me  a  Hoboken  niggah,  'n'  I'll  show  you  my  meat  !"  con 
tinued  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Ordah  !" 

"  I'll  skun  anny  Noo  Jarsey  moke  outen  he  salvation,  if  it's  de 
las'  ack  er  my  dissypatid  c'reer  !" 

"Tooter  Williams  am  fined  a  quartah  !"  said  the  chair. 

"  I'm  gwinter  'spress  my  feelin's  in  dis  club  ef  it  costs  a  DOL 
LAR  !"  yelled  Mr.  Williams,  flinging  a  bill  of  that  denomination  on 
the  desk.  "  Yar  I  comes  wif  a  wad,  'n' bruk  a  nengagement  wif 
my  bes'  lady  ter  rip  de  hide  off  en  some  suckah  coon  from  Hobo 
ken,  'n'  dar  hain't  no  suckah  come.  Fse  raw,  I  is,  'n'  bilious,  'n'  ef 
it  cos'  me  de  las'  dollah  I  got,  I  say  it  free." 

"  Hez — hez  yo'  got  yo'  dollah's  wuff  now  ?"  calmly  inquired 
the  chairman,  folding  the  bill  lengthwise  and  putting  it  behind  his 
ear.  "  Kase  ef  yo'  feels  colicky  nuff  to  spress  ten  dollah's  wuff  er 
feelin's,  I'll  give  yo'  two  minnits  mo'." 

Mr.  Williams's  only  reply  was  to  fling  himself  haughtily  into 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


35 


his  seat,  and  favor  Professor  Brick  with  a  prolonged  and  belliger 
ent  stare,  without  any  cause  which  that  gentleman  could  ascertain. 

This  breezy  interlude  having  f.hus  come  to  an  affable  close,  Mr. 
Cyanide  Whiffles  ascend 
ed  the  dais,  and  after  an 
elaborate  bow  to  the 
chair,  announced  his  sub 
ject  as  "  De  Kitty  'n'  J  ack 
ers,"  and  spoke  as  follows: 

"  De  kitty  am  a  leak 
in  de  bar'l  ob  profits  at 
pokah,  whad  oughter  to 
be  stopped  by  ack  of  kun- 
gresh.  In  de  good  ole 
days  bef  o'  de  wah,  de  kitty 
useter  be  on'y  a  small  slice  ; 
outen  de  bigges'  jacker, 
whad  didn'  kyount  no- 

j 

how,  bud  now  de  kitty- 
keepah  rakes  in  a  wite 
chip  outen  a  one-par  pot, 
'n'  a  red  chip  outen  frees, 
'n'  a  blue  chip  outen  de 
jacker,  'n'  w'en  dey's  a  ' 

big  razzle  'n'  de  coons  is 
climbin'  one  ovah  de  udder,  he 


MR.    CYANIDE     WHIFFLES. 


steals    a    blue    chip    on    each 


rise. 


"  Da's  de  Lan's  troof  !"  exclaimed  Professor  Brick. 
"  'N'  bimeby  whad's  de  resulk  ?"  inquired  the  lecturer. 


36  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  W'y,  de  resulk  am  dat  de  kitty  gits  all  de  boodle,  'n'  de  play- 
ahs  gits  bruk." 

"  Doan'  de  kitty  pay  fer  de  sassengers  'n'  cigyahs  'n'  beer  ?" 
queried  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Yezzah,"  responded  the  lecturer,  "  'n'  each  moke  eats  sassen 
gers  wen  he  doan'  want  'em,  'n'  smokes  mo'  ciggahs  dan  would  kill 
a  mewl,  'n'  drinks  mo'  beer  dan  would  pizen  a  Milwaukee  hog, 
sozeter  git  he  share.  Ef  pokah  am  on'y  ter  skin  de  membahs,  ter 
set  up  a  free  lunch  costin'  mo'n  two  dollahs  a  head,  I'll  go  ter 
Delmunniky's  'n'  feed  cheapah." 

"  Wudjer  bollish  de  kitty  ?"  inquired  the  chairman,  under  the 
right  given  him  by  Article  LXI.  of  the  Constitution. 

"Nozah,"  said  the  lecturer.  "Bud  I'd  put  de  kitty-keepah 
undah  bons  not  ter  blow  her  inter  he  own  stack  wen  de  membahs 
ain't  watchin'." 

"  Whad  yo'  mean  by  dat  ?"  queried  Mr.  Williams,  in  a  voice  of 
war. 

"  I  doan'  mean  nuffin'  pussonal,  Toot"  said  Mr.  Whiffles.  "  Bud 
I  membah  dat  de  las'  time  yo'  kep'  de  kitty,  'n'  we  played  twell 
sun-up,  'n'  all  de  membahs  got  lef  'ceptin'  yo',  'n'  yo'  raked  outen 
all  de  pots,  'n'  tuk  two  blues  outen  each  jacker,  de  kitty  was  on'y 
fo'  blues,  six  reds,  'n'  t'ree  wites  at  de  en'  ob  de  game,  'n'  de  beer 
bill  'n'  sassengers  was  on'y  two  dollahs — dat's  what  I  mean." 

"  'N'  didjer  s'pose  I  swinnle  de  kitty?"  pursued  Mr.  Williams, 
still  unmollified. 

"  Nozah.  I  on'y  s'posed  dat  de  kitty  got  ter  meanderin'  car'less 
like,  'n'  crope  inter  yo'  pile." 

"  Dat's  a  lie  !"  yelled  Mr.  Williams,  who  felt  that  his  honor  was 
at  stake. 


37 


38  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  Ordah  !"  cried  the  chair. 

"  I'll  pay  a  fine  ob  five  dollahs  ter  lick  Cy  Whiffles  dis  minnit," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Williams,  capering  with  anger  and  flourishing  his 
wad. 

"  Make  her  ten  'n'  I'll  s'pend  de  rules,"  said  the  chair. 

"  Come  outside  'n  I'll  make  it  ckeapa/in  dat"  remarked  Mr. 
Whiffles,  preparing  to  take  off  his  coat. 

"  I — I  done  leff  my  razzer  home,"  said  Mr.  Williams. 

"  I'll  loan  yo'  one,"  said  Mr.  Whiffles. 

Mr.  Williams  sat  down,  and  order  was  restored. 

"  Dar's  a  limmick  on  de  game,"  said  the  lecturer,  "  'n'  dar 
should  be  a  limmick  on  de  kitty.  Two  sassengers  'n'  fo'  bottles  er 
beer,  'n'  fo'  cigyahs  cos'  haff  er  dollah,  'n'  six  haffs  is  free  dollahs, 
'n'  dat's  enuff  fer  dis  club,  'n'  at  de  nex'  meetin'  I'll  pud  in  a  mend- 
mink  ter  de  rules,  puttin'  dat  limmick  on  de  pussy." 

"  Hooray  !"  exclaimed  Professor  Brick,  who  was  promptly  fined 
ten  cents  for  undue  enthusiasm. 

"  Now  ez  ter  jackers,"  pursued  the  lecturer,  "I'se  on'y  dis  ter 
say.  De  game  whad  hez  jackers  ebery  fo'  minriits,  am  a  game 
whad  gits  a  good  man  to  go  wrong.  Dar's  no  mo'  skyence  in  a 
jacker  dan  in  climbin'  a  greezed  pole,  bud  it's  de  easies'  way  ter 
slide  ter  de  po'  house.  In  de  good  ole  days  befo'  de  wah,  dey 
warn't  no  jackers,  'n'  pokah  wuz  pokah,  'n'  not  chucky-lucky.  Now, 
w'enever  a  coon  gits  t'ree  dollahs  out,  he  sez,  sezee,  '  Les'  have  a 
roun'  er  jackers',  sezee,  'n'  den,  er  cose,  some  odder  moke  gits  low- 
sperrited,  'n'  he  sez,  sezee,  '  Les'  jacker  one  roun'  mo','  sezee,  'n'  den 
dey's  all  jackers  'n'  no  skyence.  Las'  time  I  played,  I  wuz  fohty- 
t'ree  dollahs  ter  de  good  aftah  nine  hours'  hard  wuk,  'n'  de  Per- 
fesser  he  call  fer  one  roun'  er  jackers,  'n'  Gus  Johns'n  he  call  fer 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


a  roun',  'n'  Tooter,  he  arst  fer  jes'  one  mo',  'n'  den  Elder  Jubbly  he 
howls  fer  one,  'n'  in  twonny-eight  minnits  I  done  Jos'  all  my  chips 
'n'  blowed  in  s'teen  dollahs  mo'." 

"  Den  yo'  wuddent  have  no  jackers  ?"  queried  Professor  Brick. 

"Nozzah,  not  reg'lar,"  returned  the  lecturer.  "Make  her  de 
rule  ter  have  de  jacker  come  on'y  wen  all  de  coons  draps  'n'  parses, 
'n'  free  jackers  at  de  las'  ob  de  game,  'n'  Fs  wif  de  mo'ners  at  de 
funeril;  but  dis  yar  game,  whad's  one  fo'th  pokah  'n'  t'ree-fo'ths 
jackers,  wud  skun  Gabril  hese'f  outen  he  ho'n.  Yo'  heah  my 
bazoo." 

The  chairman  then  announced  that  at  the  next  lecture  Mr. 
Tooter  Williams  would  give  expert  views  on  "  De  Deal,"  and  the 
club  went  into  executive  session. 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  POKER  CLUB  LECTURES. 


NO.    VI. 


MR.    TOOTER    WILLIAMS     LECTURES    ON    "  DE    DEAL.' 


HE  sixth  lecture  of  the  scientific 
series  was  given  at  the  rooms  of 
the  Thompson  Street  Poker  Club 
last  Saturday  evening.  The  Rev. 
Mr.  Thankful  Smith  occupied  the 
chair.  There  were  present  Messrs. 
Tooter  Williams,  Cyanide  Whif 
fles,  and  Gus  Johnson,  Professor 
Brick,  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  and 
a  select  party  of  gentlemen  from 
Weehawken. 

Elder  Jubilee  Anderson,  of 
special  committee,  submitted  his 
report.  At  the  last  meeting  it  had 
been  decided  to  give  a  dinner 
on  Inauguration  Day,  free  for  club  members  and  two  dollars 
apiece  for  invited  guests,  and  he  had  been  appointed  to  select  a 
caterer.  He  had  the  honor  to  report  that,  while  no  doubt  Del- 
monico's  was  fairly  capable  enough  in  its  way,  and  although  he 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES.  41 

had  heard  most  favorably  of  the  Brunswick  from  Mr.  William 
McGlory,  who  gave  a  large  supper  there  about  four  years  ago,  there 
were  reasons  why  the  Club  should  not  dine  at  either  of  those 
popular  resorts.  After  a  long  and  careful  search,  he  had  found  a 
gentleman  in  Weehawken  who  was  able  and  willing  to  provide 
the  club  with  a  dinner. 

"  C.  O.  D.  ?"  inquired  Professor  Brick,  thoughtfully. 

"Y — yezzar,"  admitted  the  Elder,  with  regret.  "  'Cordin'  ter 
de  constitution  I  done  my  bes'  ter  git  credick  'n'  give  de  club's 
note  fer  de  paymink  in  thutty  days,  but  de  gemman  he  say  he 
kuddent  do  'zackly  dat,  but  ef  de  club  wanted  ter  pay  cawsh 
down  'n'  den  wait  thutty  days  fer  de  dinnah,  he'd  fix  it  dat  way 
so's  ter  'blige  de  club,  an' — 

"  De  club's  note  am  skured  by  de  club's  honah,"  said  Mr. 
Williams,  haughtily. 

Yezzah,"  returned  the  Elder.  "I  'splained  dat,  but  de  mo'  I 
talked  'bout  de  club's  honah,  de  furder  we  seemed  ter  git  from  de 
dinnah,  'n'— 

"  Am  cle  gen'leman   outside  ?"   asked   the    Rev.   Mr.  Thankful 

Smith. 

"  Yezzah.     Dat's   him   dancin'  on  de  landin'  ter  keep  warm." 

"  Sho'm  in,"  said  the  Rev.  Mr.  Smith. 

The  Elder  opened  the  door,  and  a  half-frozen  gentleman  from 
Weehawken  Heights  sidled  in  and  humbly  took  up  a  position  near 
the  stove.  A  deep  silence  fell.  The  Rev.  Mr.  Thankful  Smith 
regarded  the  stranger  with  great  benevolence  for  several  minutes, 
and  then  said  : 

"  Yo'  name  am  Beesly  ?" 

"  Yas,   boss — Beesly." 


42  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  Beesly,"  continued  the  reverend  chairman,  "  doan'  yo'  run  a 
chop  house  ?" 

"Yas,  boss." 

"  Kin  yo'  git  yo'  chops  on  credick,  Beesly  ?" 

"No,  boss.'' 

"  Does  yo'  know  any  membah  ob  dis  yar  club,  Beesly  ?" 

Mr.  Beesly  took  a  careful  survey  of  the  room,  and  then  jerked 
his  head  in  the  direction  of  Mr.  Tooter  Williams  and  Mr.  Cyanide 
Whiffles,  both  of  whom  colored,  but  essayed  to  look  uncon 
cerned. 

".Yo'  knows  Bre'r  Willyums  'n'  Bre'r  Whiffles,  Beesly  ?"  queried 
the  chairman. 

"  Yas,  boss,  'deed  I  does — gottum  on  de  slake,"  said  Mr. 
Beesly,  sadly,  but  firmly. 

"  I  wanter  'splain  dat  me  'n'  Cy — "  began  Mr.  Williams,  rising. 

"  Yo'  is  outen  ordah,  Toot,"  ruled  the  chair. 

Mr.  Williams  sat  down  and  twiddled  his  thumbs  in  a  manner 
calculated  to  express  defiance  of  both  Mr.  Beesly  and  public 
opinion. 

"  Fer  how  much  am  Bre'r  Willyums  'n'  Bre'r  Whiffles  hung  up, 
Beesly  ?"  queried  the  chair. 

•    Mr.  Beesly  extracted  from  his  ulster  a  large   package,  which, 
being  unwrapped,  proved  to  contain  a  slate. 

"  Mistah  Willyums  t'ree  dollahs  'n'  twonny  cents,  'n'  Mistah 
W'iffles  two  dollahs  'n'  a  quartan,"  he  announced. 

"  Didn'  I  tole  yer  to  sen'  dat  bill  ter  my  office?"  haughtily  de 
manded  Mr.  Williams. 

"  Ordah  !"  :ruled  the  chair.  "  Beesly,"  he  continued,  "  I  see  dat 
yo'  hez  hed  too  much  speeunce  to  catah  fer  dis  club.  De  kum- 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


43 


mittee  '11  browse  round  in  some  naberhood  whar  Bre'r  Willyums's 
lunch  route  hezn't  spiled  de  credick.     Dat's  all,  Beesly." 

"  Kint  I  stay  'n'  c'lect 
my  money  ?"  asked  Mr. 
Beesly,  who  had  just 
emerged  from  his  chill, 
and  was  prepared  to 
spend  the  evening. 

"  Not  dis  evenin', 
Beesly.  Bud  yo'  kin 
darnce  outside  'n'  keep 
yo'  eye  skint  until  de 
show's  ovah,"  ruled  the 
chair.  "  Good  evenin', 
Beesly." 

Mr.  Beesly  meekly 
departed.  Both  Mr.  Wil 
liams  and  Mr.  Whiffles 
drew  a  long  breath  of  re 
lief,  and  then  whispered 
together  and  laughed 
immoderately.  The 
gavel  then  fell,  and  Mr. 
Williams  mounted  the 
rostrum  with  a  jaunty 
air,  blew  a  kiss  to  the 
secretary,  winked  at  the 
chairman,  smiled  at  Mr.  Whiffles,  and,  announcing  his  subject  as 
"  De  Deal,"  spoke  as  follows  : 


44  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 

"  De  hones'  dealah  am  allers  caffle  ter  dole  de  kyards  slow,  'n' 
let  all  de  mo'ners  see  dat  de  deal  am  squar' — " 

"  'Scuse  me,  Mistah  Willyums,"  interrupted  Elder  Jubilee 
Anderson,  rising,  "  bud  de  slower  yo'  deals,  de  pffener  de  naces 
'n'  kinks  seemter  wandah  into  yo'  han' — how  yo'  'splain  dat  ?" 

"  Am  de  dealah  'sponsible  ef  de  luck  driffs  he  way  ?"  queried 
the  lecturer,  with  some  warmth.  "Some  mokes  seemster  tink  dat 
de  dealah  oughter  on'y  git  juces  'n'  kitters,  'n'  dole  all  de  fulls  'n' 
flisks  ter  de — " 

At  this  juncture  the  door  slowly  swung  open  a  few  inches,  and 
Mr.  Beesly's  head  cautiously  appeared.  His  eyes  sought  out  Mr. 
Williams,  then  rested  upon  Mr.  Whiffles,  and  then  his  head  mourn 
fully  withdrew  and  the  door  closed  again.  This  had  the  effect  of 
punctuating  Mr.  Williams's  discourse  with  a  long  and  somewhat 
painful  pause  not  demanded  by  the  rules  of  oratory.  Mr.  Whif 
fles,  although  not  hitherto  known  to  be  a  spirit  medium,  went  into 
an  abysmal  trance. 

"  De  dealah,"  continued  Mr.  Williams,  endeavoring  t"o  appear 
at  his  ease — "  de  dealah  kint  swinnle'  ceptin'  when  he's  got  a  con- 
federick,  'n'  de  confederick  walks  in  wif  a  tray  full  ob — " 

"  How  am  de  confederick  to  get  a  tray  full  when  he's  outen  de 
room  ?"  queried  Professor  Brick,  with  the  air  of  one  who  has  pro 
pounded  a  staggerer. 

"  De  confederick  walks  in  wif  a  tray  full  ob  drinks,"  scornfully 
continued  Mr.  Williams,  "  'n'  slaps  her  down  on  de  table  jes'  aftah 
de  pack  hez  been  cut,  'n'  den  de  dealah  rings  in  the  cole  deck  'n' 
pertends  ter  git  mad,  'n'  de  confederick  takes  a  kick  'n'  gits  out, 
'n'— " 

Here  the  door  slowly  opened  and  a    chill,   accompanied  by  the 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


45 


sad  countenance  of  Mr.  Beesly,  again  made  its  appearance  ;  the 
rueful  eyes  sought  Mr.  Williams  and  Mr.  Whiffles,  and  then  the 
vision  slowly  vanished.  Again  a  long  pause,  and  .a  deepening  of 
Mr.  Whiffles's  trance.  Mr.  Williams  coughed,  looked  over  his  notes, 
cleared  his  throat,  gazed  at  the  ceiling,  leaned  on  the  table,  and 
did  his  utmost  to  appear  at  ease.  Then  he  said  : 

"  I — T  jes' — jes'  found  out  dat — I — " 

"  Mistah  Willyums,"  said  the  Rev.  Thankful  Smith,  who,  by 
virtue  of  Article  XXIV.  of  the  Constitution,  had  a  right  to  ask 
questions  of  the  lecturer,  "  kin  yo'  'splain  ter  de  comp'ny  what 
am  a  Hoboken  '  shake-down  '  ? " 

"  Cer'nly,"  returned  Mr.  Williams,  affably,  glad  of  the  inter 
ruption.  "  Dey  plays  de  game  usual  wif  six  coons  in  Hoboken,  'n' 
w'en  all  de  coons  comes  in  on  de  jacker,  'n'  dey  all  wants  kyards 
on  de  dror,  'n'  dey  ain't  kyards  enuff  ter  go  roun',  one  coon  he 
calls  out,  '  Shake  down  ! '  'n'  all  de  mokes  shakes  out  de  kyards 
whad  dey's  got  up  dey  sleeve,  'n'  de  dealah  shuffles  'em  up  'n'  goes 
on  wif  de  deal,  'n' — " 

Here,  again,  the  door  slowly  opened.  Mr.  Beesly's  head  did 
not  appear,  but  a  tremulous,  sad  voice  murmured,  sepul 
chral  ly  : 

"  Kin  I  spoke  wif  Mistah  W'iffles  jes' — jes'  a  minnit  befo'  I 
froze  ter  deff  ?  " 

A  gruesome  silence  fell.  Mr.  Whiffles  arose,  still  in  his  trance, 
slowly  moved  toward  the  door,  and  vanished.  For  a  few  minutes 
there  was  no  sound,  and  then  the  corridor  without  echoed  to  the 
strains  of  activity;  a  cyclone  and  an  earthquake  appeared  to  roll  to 
gether  down  the  stairs,  and  all  was  still.  Mr.  Williams  listened 
a  moment,  then  continued  his  lecture. 


'46  THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES^ 

"  De  las'  time  we  had  a  'shake-down'  in  Hoboken,"  he  said, 
"  de  late  Mistah  Whiffles  wuz  dealin',  'n'  I  was  jes — '" 

Again  the  door  slowly  opened,  and  thus  the  voice  : 

"Kin  I  spoke  wif  Mistah  Willyums  a  minnit  ?  " 

The  silence  became  so  deep  that  Professor  Brick,  listening 
intently,  could  hear  his  hair  growing.  All  eyes  centred  on  Mr. 
Williams. 

Again  the  voice  : 

"  I  wanter  spoke  wif  Mistah  Willyums." 

Mr.  Williams's  hand  went  towards  his  hip-pocket. 

"  Yo'  hed  bettah  see  de  gen'leman  a  minnit,  Toot."  sweetly  sug 
gested  the  chair. 

"  Am  yd  razzer  honed  ? "  inquired  Elder  Jubilee  Anderson, 
with  a  slight  rising  emphasis  which  implied  that  the  other  party 
had  probably  honed  his. 

"Woodlawn  or  Calv'ry,Toot  ?"  darkly  inquired  Mr.  Gus  Johnson. 

Mr.  Williams  threw  back  his  head  with  a  haughty  air. 

For  a  third  time  the  voice  : 

"  Am  Mistah  Willyums  a-comin'  ?" 

Mr.  \Villiams  moved  toward  the  door. 

"  Niggahs,"  he  said,  "  I'm  a-goin'." 

So  saying,  he  vanished. 

Again  a  grisly  silence  reigned.  Professor  Brick  tiptoed  softly 
to  the  door,  locked  it,  and  applied  his  ear  to  the  panel,  by  which 
process,  according  to  well-known  laws  of  acoustics,  he  could  ac 
curately  appraise  the  value  of  any  sounds  occurring  without. 

The  silence  continued.  Five,  eight,  ten  minutes  passed.  The 
professor  opened  the  door.  A  keen  blast  entered,  but  nothing 
visible. 


47 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


"  De  Perfesser  'n'  Gus  Johns'n  am  app'inted  a  kummittee  ter 
wish  'n'  report  on  de  remains,"  ordered  the  chair. 

Mr.  Johnson  and  the  Professor  departed.  Three  minutes  later 
they  reappeared.  The  Professor  was  speechless  ;  Mr.  Johnson  was 
hysterical. 

"  Bofe  dead  ?"  queried  the  chair. 

"  My  new  ulcer  'n'  my  skyarf  'n'  dicer  !  "  gasped  Mr.  Johnson. 

"  My  sealskin  ovahcote  'n'  a  dozen  eigyahs  'n'  a  hat,"  hoarsely 
whispered  the  Professor. 

"  Dey  ain't  —  ain't  no  murdah  ?"  exclaimed  the  Rev.  Mr.  Thank 
ful  Smith,  upon  whom  a  light  was  beginning  to  break. 

"  No,  but  dey  will  be  ef  I  evah  kotches  Toot  Willyums,"  ex 
claimed  the  Professor,  capering  with  woe. 

"  De  hull  lay-out  in  de  dressin'-room's  gone,"  asseverated  Mr. 
Johnson. 

There  was  a  wild  rush  of  guests  and  members  to  verify  this 
dire  news.  It  was  true.  The  dressing-room  —  a  new  convenience 
opened  by  Mr.  Williams  especially  for  this  lecture  —  was  bare  of 
hats,  coats,  canes,  and  mufflers.  The  club  gloomily  reassembled. 
Controlling  himself  by  a  strong  effort,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Thankful 
Smith  rapped  for  order  and  then  said,  impressively  : 

'  Niggahs,  dat  Beesly  eppysode  was  a  fake,  'n'  Bre'r  Williams 
'n'  Bre'r  Whiffles  am  sot  up  in  secon'  han'  clothin'  fer  de  wintah. 
Doan'  spoke  nuffin'.  Dey  ain't  no  use  spressin'  our  feelin's.  Bre'r 
Willyums  promised  us  a  s'prise  ternight,  'n'  we's  got  it,  'n'  got  it 
large.  Doan'  spoke  nuffin',  coons.  Jes'  pile  in  de  coal  in  de  stove 
'n'  set  aroun'  'n'  wizzle,  'n'  I'll  borry  de  jannyter's  ovahcote  'n'  hat 
'n'  git  out  de  perlice  'n'  de  milishy  'n'  wake  up  de  kentry  wif  a 
howl  fer  justice.  Doan'  spoke  nuffin',  niggahs." 


THE  THOMPSON  STREET  LECTURES. 


49 


"  Kint  we  git  no  dammidges  ?"  queried  Mr.  Johnson,  who  with 
great  forethought  had  ensconced  himself  behind  the  stove  and  was 
prepared  for  a  siege. 

The  Reverend  Mr.  Thankful  Smith  slowly  turned.  There  was 
a  cold,  calm  glitter  in  the  spectacles  through  which  he  gazed. 
Then  he  spoke  slowly  and  with  majesty  : 

"  Dere  hez  been  a  panel  game  wukked  on  dis  club  ternight, 
'n'  de  dammidges  all  belongs  to  Bre'r  Whiffles  'n'  Bre'r  Will- 
yums.  Jes'  wait,  niggahs.  Waft  till  yo'  see  'em.  Dey'll  git  de 
dammidges." 

So  saying,  he  disappeared. 

The  club  is  still  in  session,  with  no  chance  of  adjournment  un 
til  the  weather  moderates. 


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